Metallica.  They used to be so awesome.  In the 80's they ruled over the metal underworld, releasing such furious classics as Kill 'em All, Ride the Lightning, Master of Puppets, and And Justice for All.  They were fast, mean, loud and played with virtuosic precision.  Their music ripped an asshole in the fabric of the world; listening to one of their songs was like doing speed.  I saw them in September of '89 and can attest to their true power.  They were indeed Monsters of Rock.

Then... something happened.  The 90's came and they cut their hair.  They slowed down their music in a sad attempt to jump on the Grunge Gravy Train.  They got all sensitive and introspective.  James Hetfield started growling over ballads.  They began a spiraling descent into the heart of SUCK, which continues, sadly, to this day.

Nothing exemplifies this disintegration better than the tune "Enter Sandman," which is track one off their Black Album, which marks the beginning of their assiness.  "Enter Sandman" starts off great; the opening riff fades in - all menace and primal drums - building into a crescendo that forms a nasty, crunchy wave.  Hetfield starts singing and the song still holds together.  Then the chorus comes:

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
We're off to Never Never Land

'Never Never Land'? Really?  Are you fucking kidding me?  The first time I heard this song I thought that they were making a joke, or perhaps I was listening to a parody - a la "Weird Al" Yankovich.  What metal band sings about Never Never Land?  That's just totally, completely, and one hundred percent... lame.  It makes me think of Peter Pan or Michael Jackson and his monkey, neither of which are very metal.  How did the rest of the band react when Hetfield showed them the lyrics?  Were no better suggestions fielded?

This question came up last night when drinking with some friends, so we did a little brainstorming and came up with our own suggestions.  So instead of singing "We're off to Never Never Land", how about singing:

1. Suck me off while I'm on the can.

2.  Carpet bomb Turkmenistan.

3.  Satan has a master plan.

4.  Fuck the corpse of Ed McMahon.

5.  Chew out my adrenal gland.

6.  My keyboard has an ampersand.

7.  Blow your wad into my hand.

8.  Dokdo is Korea land.

9.  Slit the throat of a virgin lamb.

10.  Now's the time to stop the band.
 


Feel free to add some more...