I seem to have missed the boat a lot recently when it comes to writing about things I have done immediately after I’ve done them. Things (mostly schoolwork and whatnot) seem to get in my way, and before I know it time has flown by and I’m left with a pile of things I had wanted to write about but now are probably too far gone for anyone to care about. Having said that, I’m going to write about them anyway because I did lots of exciting things in the last few months and do not have anything particularly exciting planned for the next few…you’d rather read about interesting but out of date stuff than recent tales of my life as a dullard, wouldn’t you? Good.

Before the end of last semester was my school’s annual ‘Teacher Field Trip Fun Day’. I was told about this months in advance, and told that I should choose between going to watch a traditional Korean comedy performance and going to look at a bridge. Naturally I chose the former (not being a huge fan of bridges beyond their basic functionality) and, despite knowing that I would likely not understand the Korean performance, realising that the potential for accidental cross culture hilarity was comparably high.

The day eventually rolled around and upon my arrival at school I was loaded onto the bus, an eye-wateringly Korean vision of velvet tasseled curtains and multi-coloured neon strip-lights seemingly designed as transport for the World Tour of a semi-famous disco troupe. I chose a seat and was immediately given a packed lunch of waffles and squid jerky, which I gamely chewed whilst trying to explain the difference between a puppy and a doggy to my co-teacher. The bus journey took a little over 1.5 hours, and at no point did I know where I was going…I could have asked, obviously, but I saw no reason to ruin the surprise.

I am doomed to be disappointed by every other bus I will ride until the end of my days. Such is the terrifying power wielded by this, the most fabulous of all transport.

We arrived at Destination 1, which turned out to be a crab restaurant on Goeje Island. Confusing in itself really, as it was only 11am. Still, the powers that be had clearly deemed it be crab O’clock, and again there was no point to argue. Who doesn’t like crab, after all?

It turns out that I do not like crab, or at least the strange appropriation of it served by the restaurant. I’m certain that somebody far more clued up than I will be able to explain more clearly and give it it’s proper name, but to me it seemed like we were served a pot of rice (obviously) and a pile of mostly empty crab shells soaked in something…what had happened to the actual crab meat itself was never explained. I watched as my co-teachers  took a shell, scraped out what was left of the crab (a visually unappealing sinewy substance I took to be a brain) and spread it onto their rice before declaring it’s unparalleled deliciousness. I tried a small amount myself, in the interests of not being a dick, and was not similarly impressed. Alongside the crab shells were a selection of crabs cut exactly in half, shell and legs and all. I have seen this in restaurants before but have always been confused as to how to eat them, as the meat itself in completely unreachable without the liberal application of a crab fork and brute force. I hoped that, if I watched carefully enough, I could copy the actions of a colleague and finally learn the skills required to unlock the delicious meat I knew was hiding inside those potentially tasty bastards…perhaps some kind of secret ‘Korean special move’ chopstick manoeuvre I had yet to master. I looked on hopefully…

…and tried not to let the look of total horror show on my face as my co-teacher took a crab in her hands and began sucking and biting the body and legs whole. Terrible crunches and slurps were soon ringing from our table as everyone did the same, chewing shell and meat alike and making me feel vaguely ill. I ate my rice and worked on draping crab shells around my bowl in such a way to make it look like I’d eaten more than one. I have honed these skills well in my six months here and they have not failed me yet.

Because who doesn’t love empty shells filled with chilli and slime and disappointment?

We re-boarded the Disco Bus and headed to Unknown Destination No. 2, which I assumed would be the venue of the Traditional Comedy Performance I had heard so much about so long ago. I was surprised, then, to discover that our second destination was in fact the Goeje Island Bamboo Forest; beautiful but decidedly un-funny. We walked for about an hour, during which I worked primarily on taking nice pictures and avoiding the two major annoyances of the day – sunburn and the Janitor (the former as I burn beyond all reason, the latter because of his incessant attempts to show me Celine Dion videos on his iPhone).

Both missions were largely successful.

We had started to walk back towards the car park when I was confronted with the sight of my Vice Principal up ahead, his ample frame squeezed into a startlingly unflattering climbing harness and a hard hat perched high on his head. Unfortunately my skills at Janitor-avoiding were so proficient by this point that I was unable to ask anyone what the crap was going on, so had to continue towards this unsettling vision without explanation or insight.

Unbeknownst to me, Goeje Island Bamboo Forest also contains an ‘Eco Adventure’ which is an aerial assault course set high in the trees. Judging from the lack of surprise on the other teachers’ faces I realised that I was the only one to not know of this, and was not surprised myself, so used am I to being the performing English Monkey, when I was shepherded toward the sign-up table to declare my name and blood type and (I assume) sign away my rights. Before long I too was trussed up in an equally unflattering harness and had a plastic hat plonked unceremoniously on my (“too big!”) head to undo the good work I had done trying not to let my hair get sweaty and frizzy during the hour-long bamboo walk. As I noticed more and more teachers sitting to watch (leaving only a bare minimum to actually sign up) it became apparent that I would not be witnessing any Korean Comedy Performances…rather, I would bethe Korean Comedy Performance. I smiled through my nerves (I am not particularly athletic, nor am I fond of heights and/or public embarrassment) and attempted to comprehend the basic elements of the safety demonstration, of course delivered entirely in Korean.

Automatic Korean photo gesture cannot hide inbuilt English fear of public discomfort.

As some of you may have noticed though, I am not dead and therefore this story cannot have as tragic ending as I thought it might during the 1.5 hour long ‘Eco Adventure’ I found myself an unwitting part of. And do you know what? The Goeje Island Bamboo Forest Eco Adventure is BRILLIANT, and a huge amount of fun even when being stared at in any number of unflattering angles by your bosses and colleagues. Afterwards I was so glad that I’d been made to take part and, sweaty hair and a few bumps to the knees aside, suffered no permanent damage. A miracle in itself, considering my track record for clumsiness. Do you know where you should go next time you have a free weekend? Goeje Island Bamboo Forest Eco Adventure, ahoy!

Aerial Eco Awesomes.

After my aerial adventures it was back to the Disco Bus, where I pretended to sleep for the next 2 hours to avid yet more videos of Celine Dion being thrust into my exhausted, terrified face. I was woken up not back at school as expected but rather at a beef restaurant where I ate so much raw red meat that I thought I might begin to sparkle and become inexplicably attractive to insipid women. I continue to love Korean BBQ with every fibre of my being and do not look forward to the day I return home and will no longer be able to have delicious meaty goodness whenever I demand it.

Beef me up, Scotty.

And thus concludes the tale of Teacher Field Trip Fun Day 2012! Expect more outdated tales soon!

PS: I recently discovered that the bridge/comedy plan had changed before I was even asked to choose. Communication in my school leaves a lot to be desired sometimes.