Rules For The Korean Road

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1. Pedal to the metal at all times. Even before you start the engine. Even when you are outside of the car, you should leave a brick on the gas pedal, because speed makes men stronger.
2. If you drive an expensive-looking black car, it’s okay to run over children and old ladies. In fact, the police will fine you if you don’t.
3. Honk like you’re getting paid for it. Install fake police sirens to help convince other ( = lesser) people that you are in charge and know how to deal with every situation far better than they do.
4. Since signaling causes you to lose face by revealing your intentions to your enemies, don’t signal, unless it’s a fake-out.
5. Fill up your tank with paint thinner and then bribe the mechanic to write a fraudulent insurance form once the car inevitably breaks down to win.
6. U-turns should only be attempted when the other side of the road is heavily congested with rapidly-moving traffic and old people pushing carts piled high with cardboard. Honk for safety.
7. Park anywhere except designated parking areas. The corners of busy intersections are the best, as are sidewalks.
8. Roll down your windows and throw compost, feces, and empty soju bottles at the police, since they can’t do anything about it. To ensure their compliance, wear a realistic-looking mask of an old Asian man.
9. If you’re driving a huge tractor trailer, don’t worry about tying anything down in the back, since things will probably be alright, and if they aren’t, you can always fake a serious injury and blame your enemies, especially if they don’t have a camera installed in their car. Also: tie up your dog in the bed of your pickup truck and leave him or her there all day and all night for his or her entire life, and enjoy the fact that no one will ever criticize you for doing so.
10. If you wear a seatbelt, you are a signaling a distrust of your own immense driving prowess to your passengers and the other drivers on the road, who will immediately exploit your weakness.
11. Drive away quickly, swerving and honking, if (when) you run someone over.
12. Cutting off other drivers is okay because you are more important.
13. Destroy all bikers.
14. Stoplights are only for little people (red is the new green).
15. DO drink and drive.
16. Carseats and seatbelts make children uncomfortable, and since their comfort is more important than their lives, don’t worry about using such newfangled foreign contraptions when you drive.
17. There are no colors except black, white, and gray.
18. Turn off your lights at night, roll up your windows inside tunnels, and use a small Jesus / Buddha figurine attached to the dashboard to ensure safety.


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