And so it begins…again.

Following a friend’s recent post concerning the trauma that is post-Korea job-hunting, I felt it unavoidable to chronicle my own thoughts on the matter. As I’m certain it will be an ongoing trauma, consider this Part One.

Of all the terrible jobs I’ve done in my time, I feel perfectly confident in telling you that the worst one of all was the job of finding the terrible jobs I then did. This is saying a fair amount considering that I spent Boxing Day 2011 publicly cleaning Stilton soup from a lady’s shoe.

The problem with my looking for jobs, you see, is that despite years of varied experience and education, I’m really not qualified to do very much at all. Years ago, I imagine that someone in my unenviable position could have fallen back on any one of a hundred ‘safety jobs‘ that they didn’t really want but would pay the bills and offer some old-age security should their real career dreams peter out. As far as I can tell (and do please correct me if I’m wrong) these backup ‘it’ll do’ job largely seem to have disappeared in recent years, perhaps owing to cutbacks or less people changing jobs during the recession, or else they have become as ludicrously competitive as the dream careers you never really expect to get.

As many of you will know, last year I fled the UK for employment overseas which, all things considered, was a good idea. I gained a whackload of experience, saved more money than I ever could have at home, experienced an alien culture and was able to visit places I’ve wanted to see my entire life. Hearing this, some of you may be wondering why I bothered to come home…I’m bound to consider that very same question in a few months when the job hunt becomes unbearable, so I’ll do my best to explain the most important reasons.

Firstly, I don’t want to live abroad forever. Living in Korea made me realise how much I miss England when I’m away from it long term, and although my quality of life in Korea was much better than it is here, the Korean people I met were welcoming beyond reason and the food really is delicious, I can’t imagine settling anywhere else. I don’t know exactly why I think like this but I have it in my head that I can’t (or very much don’t want to be) 30 years old, without a single penny of savings, pension contributions and whatever else, looking for my first ‘real’ job in the country I want to grow old in.

Secondly, even though the potential to save money in Korea is really very good, living and working there for another one or two years would do very little for my potential to earn in the UK. I already have the year’s teaching and cultural experience, if I stayed for another I’d have double the savings but then I’d be another year older and no closer to having a career on the right continent.

Thirdly, finally and most importantly, my family, friends and fiance all live in England. Every one of them is wonderful and I’m not in a hurry to live 6000 miles away from them again.

Admittedly, one of my primary reasons to hate job-hunting is entirely down to a fault of my own; put simply, I have very little idea what I want to spend my life doing. I know from my brief stint as a Cashier that I don’t want to work in the banking sector. I know that I’m good with people, but also that ten million other people are too. I know that I’m a decent writer, but I’m painfully aware that I have nowhere near enough experience to warrant being paid to do it. According to my Korean colleagues I made a good teacher, but I don’t want to teach in the UK enough to pay the astronomical PGCE and living costs, especially when the only subject I’m qualified to teach is barely subsidised. I’m my own worst enemy career-wise, and I know it.

That said, perhaps it wouldn’t help much to know what I wanted to be. I spent much of yesterday trawling through a million and one job sites, reading what seemed for all the world like the same advert for the same position over and over again. “Are you passionate about a career as a Recruitment Consultant?” Sigh. Is anyone passionate about that, really? I know a couple of Recruitment Consultants and none of them have ever made a song and dance about it. I suspect that this job ad should actually read: “Confused about what career you really want? Do you have basic people and computer skills? Do you own a suit?”. “Do you have a proven track record in B2B sales?” Sigh, again. I can’t honestly say I do, I fear I would have committed suicide with a Biro before my track record was sufficiently proven. “Are you a a dynamic blue-sky thinker who has what it takes to rise above the rest in a fast-paced, competitive office environment?” Triple sigh, and near vomit from business jargon overload. Giving…up….imminent and unavoidable…

After applying for a number of jobs I’m woefully unqualified for, I found myself succumbing to my intermittent fear of my so far pensionless old age, before realising I was being melodramatic, cracking open a bottle of red and basking in how awful a film Jack Reacher is. Sometimes it’s all you can do to call it a day.

Expect more depressing tales of job-hunting woe when Caroline returns in Part 2: Desperation and Pie.